Sunday, April 26, 2009

Where, oh where...?

It's days like today that I miss SWG. Even though she wasn't a persona, as she was a very real girl, I felt like I could be more open with her. She empowered me with her history and her honesty. Of course, she was me; me still hiding, unabashed in all my reclusive glory, only venturing out for small spells of love bordering on fantasy and both real and non-existant sexual story-telling. She was me, with her heartbeat and break, the lover, the mother, the survivor, the poet; both the amuser and the amused.

Having a real life now brings both the good and the bad, and it's the bad that makes me miss her the most.

I'm the muse now, a fact that's bringing me both happiness and just a tiny bit of fear. Is it strange that I'm having trouble writing it now that it's all real life and not some blend of life and fantasy? There's got to be some kind of balance, I still see the fantasy in my poetry. I just haven't quite found it yet.

But I will.

Because I'm smart, and lovely, and awesome, and still me.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Let's skip the argument and just get undressed.

If you're not saying what you mean, you probably don't mean what you say.

Someone told me once (or twice, or eleven times) that I was "a little TOO honest". While I've never forgotten that, I've never really cared much either.

I know all the reasons WHY people aren't absolutely honest. Fear takes the cake as the number one reason why people don't say what's on their minds. Fear of rejection, fear of being alone, fear of what other people may think about you, the list goes on. Also, keeping the peace is high on the list of why people don't just let things fall out of their mouths at a constant rate. Also, love, and other forms of caring, hold us back from blurting things out. It can be a really fine line between cleansing your mind and hurting someone's feelings.

It is interesting though how uncomfortable true honesty can make some people. For being honest, I've been called a (insert whatever you want here). But where's the line? Every single person that I've talked to about this gives the same tag line, that they want to hear the truth.

But do they really?

Some time ago, not really your business how much time as my point is not to embarrass anyone, I was dating a man that I finally decided to sleep with. For the most part, it was better than decent, he got a 7.5 in my twisted book. One night though, it was just off, and it was both of us (takes two people to have sex usually, so I think that means it takes two people to throw it off). I'd had a small amount of wine, and of course by small amount I mean probably 3 or 4 glasses, and I tested my theory by telling him that it was terrible. Of course, he got mad, but he proved my point. That despite how many times he had told me that he wanted me to be absolutely honest with him, he really didn't.

Does this mean that I just go around telling everybody everything, good and bad? No way. It probably makes me a hypocrite even, because I know that not everyone can handle it so I keep things to myself all the time. Also, some things may be unnecessary to say out loud. If my honesty is only going to hurt someone and serves no other purpose at all than that, I tend to keep those things to myself. But if I thought it could help, even as difficult as it may be to say, I try to do my best. It's not a science.

I do have to say though, that I am wowed by the people that I can really be honest with and that are truly honest with me. I do care about a lot of people that I know cannot do this, for whatever reason. It doesn't make them bad, just different in ways of thinking.

I'm thinking of telling the truth a few times about you?

Monday, February 9, 2009

I don't know what it's called...

I've started this sentence at least twenty times and I erase it because it's not working.

I hear cliches and voices in my head saying, "oh, no, don't say that out loud..."

So, what do I know? The short version (maybe, maybe not):

1. I let myself be taken advantage of, I chose to go there (let's be clear, he said he wanted me there but he didn't make me go), while I let my quest for answers and my fear get the better of me.

2. I finally have an end to the 4 month roller coaster. My answer turned out as simple as the people that love me told me it was, that he was a bad person and that I didn't do anything to deserve what he did to me in the first place.

3. If I never speak to him again, it will be too soon. It's not anger that makes me say that, it's freedom.

4. While I am feeling relief that I finally closed a door, it is my belief that I have closed another door as well.

5. The thought of that makes me want to cry.

6. Hurting someone's feelings, I don't really know a better way to say that...he wasn't my boyfriend (although I wanted him to be) and the most that he could say was that he thought he might like me a lot (I thought about him a hundred little times throughout the day)...he was important me to and hurting his feelings makes me sad.

7. In order to fix one thing, I broke another. I should have just talked to him about what was going on with me.

8. I'm starting to wonder about myself...I've never been big on lying to myself, but I feel like I did this time.

9. An obsessive need for answers and fear shouldn't touch on the plate, as they do not go well together.

10. I miss someone. He's lovely and well... I meet him and it scares me. How screwed up is that?

11. My brother did a good job taking care of me yesterday. I asked him why he doesn't say "I told ya so," and he just loves me. He said, "that's kinda my job".

12. I should stop before I sound whiny (ridiculous and crazy is fine though).

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Me and My Box

Things that don't suck today:

The Rectangle I did drive in a rectangle. I panicked, but luckily for me, there really are some understanding people in this world. I'm going to try again in a week and actually I feel much better about it.

Oh, my pretty Valentine... I've decided to make a homemade Valentine because Hallmark didn't carry my sentiment. I know, I'm such a girl...

Sweet Cherry I've been sad without my Door County wine, but I found a lovely cherry wine while on my rectangle trip that I really enjoy.

Falling off a steep cliff Slowly but surely I'm feeling a lot better about the whole thing. It's funny how time works...

Karma Police I'm thinking they work at my work and this is a very good thing. The truth lies within...I'm just sayin'.

Effort doesn't start with an A I'm loving the poetry right now, it's a little bit sassy. Perhaps I'll share...maybe

However, America does start with an A Baby steps, big brother, baby'll be here soon enough (I hope).

That seems like A LOT of coffee I'm smiling in scoops right now.

P.S. I heard a rumor about you...

Saturday, January 24, 2009

What's that word I'm looking for...?

This just makes me laugh...

Nicholas and Emma M

Monday, January 19, 2009


I think that I was born with a love song stuck in my head.

Intense, moving, a wishing well of tears and a relaxing falling into something that only looks crafted, but is actually natural.

Like the cello or the piano, love brings a momentum that can reach out and grab you, while turning soft at just the right minute to envelope your entire existence. It can actually create mood arguments within a simple human being, as we all know that the very thing that many of us dream of can become merciless and dismissive in just a heart beat.

Of course, when it's good, it can stay in a soul's memory for a lifetime.

Breathing with a life of its own.

Sometimes, I find myself singing along without even realizing it...

Thursday, January 15, 2009

My welcome what?

I'm kind of in the mood for a plastic fork to the eye...mine, someone else's, no matter, it's all the same...